Resolve Conflicts. About crisis in the relationship, resolve conflicts, quarrels and infidelity.
A relationship must be cared for - and developed. There must necessarily be invested in becoming adept at living together and become better at creating happy couples. Yet, few people coming through your relationship without crises and conflicts. There may be mutual reproaches, quarrels, disagreements about basic things, the close contact has disappeared. Indeed, the conflicts in a relationship become so entrenched that they are experiencing great dissatisfaction with your relationship and may have a hard time believing that it can ever change in a positive direction. - But why is it so difficult to live together?
Conflicts in the relationship
Already in the first years of marriage can cause serious crises. The course also applies even if you are not married but just live together. The emotional difficulties have nothing to do with the marriage certificate. When the stormy love affair has settled and you have entered the daily reach, the next stage to find out whether love can carry through the everyday mundane, practical matters. It can create anxiety to reveal who you are. Maybe you do not live up to the other's expectations. It may also be that of the other drawers or similar expectations forelskelsen is to irritation. However, a frequent cause of conflict, men's and women's different relation to sex, love and daily liv.Kvinden typically feel loved when the man is aware of her every day, appreciate her work and makes its contribution. It heightens her desire for sex. The man however, feels valued when their sex life is active and when he feels appreciated, he is more inclined to help in everyday life.
The relationship can go wrong in several ways: If the woman feel that the man does not make enough at home, she feels unappreciated and losing your sex drive. If the man experiencing sexual rejection and reproach, he feels not appreciated and will be leaving the community, and thus make less effort. It is a situation that could be the start of a vicious circle. Instead of blaming each other or pull, it is important to listen to each others needs attention. By recognizing and respecting diversity, and find your way to the love behind the sometimes harsh words, you can slowly approach each other again.
When the children come
It's a huge change in life to become parents. Imagination can not turn to when you have to imagine a life as parents. That one can be so tired, feel so tied up in responsibility towards the small, helpless child, lie completely outside most people's imaginations. The unrealistic romantic expectations for the lovely, fluffy and fragrant child, lying there in the lift, happy and smiling, does not correspond to reality. Lack of sleep, a crying, drooling child, which should preferably be carried around all the time - and smells horrible one minute after it has been changed, it is closer to reality. When a couple has children, they must build a new start and often have expectations of themselves that they can keep all the good things from back then in love blossomed while they must cope with new challenges.
The reality is that there is less time and energy, why love life and sex life often have lower priority. It can be very frustrating that you actually are too tired when there's finally time. Especially for the man who sees how the child, unlike himself, get the partner's absolute attention. There are no easy solutions, but one must necessarily adjust its expectations for the relationship to fit to the relationship's new realities. Then you have to how difficult it may be, make sure to have time together without children, where only about cultivating each other and common sense. It is also important to make an active effort to develop together through shared experiences.
Lack of desire or impotency
The desire for sex may valleys or disappear for several reasons. Beyond the physiological reasons, it may be about stress, fatigue or frustration that your sex life is not as flourishing as when you were in love. It may also be other problems such couples who can get the urge to valleys and possibly result in impotence. Some choose to rediscover the desire with a new partner as a way to get the attention and love they lack. Others shut out their sexuality or live in a frustrated impotence of their deprivation. Despite the sexual revolution, it is still difficult for most people to talk openly about sexual issues with their partners. Impotence and lack of sex drive can still be associated with shame, and it can therefore be inclined to go on the defensive and blaming the partner. Instead you should respond openly to the problem and jointly seek to rediscover the emotional foundation of the relationship. That way you can recreate desire each other sexually.
Maturation or divorce?
Some couples manage to preserve the feeling of being common, while others grow apart. It may happen that you are changing the fundamental, or you first got together on a very limited common ground eventually can not bear a lifelong relationship. But in addition it's very much about the demanding art of maintaining love. To preserve love requires that you have nothing in common than the children. It may be common experiences, but it's also about being genuine interested and participating in each other's lives. Being open to it as the partner is and evolves to be, does not necessarily mean that one should develop in the same direction, but being active witnesses to each others' lives with respect and tenderness. Relationships may involve intractable conflicts that one must learn to live with, for example, whether to stay in one or the other of the parties' home regions. Compromises are necessary, but if you are able to listen in to the partner's needs, and formulate its own, it can often succeed in creating win-win situations.
Yours, mine and our children
A composite family is a complex variable in which also the relationship with ex-wives and ex-husband included. This can cause problems such as jealousy over previous spouse, place parents can feel jealousy towards the kids who take the partner's time and love, and children can feel jealousy towards each other. Also place a parent role can cause problems. One can not expect that children with the same acceptance stepparent as an adult authority in line with his own parents. Children are great when the family is brought together, it happens maybe never. It requires that the child experiences that attachment to the stepparent eventually grows, and the parent in turn is able to deliver responsible, then the step parent can come in and have a significant impact. Location parent rare to get the same room as the child's own parents, but if the child and stepparent instead build their own relationship as a unique relationship between two people, it can be equally valuable for both parties. There are many more issues than mentioned here. One must know when to start a composite family that it can be both fantastic and strengthen cohesion but that, on the other hand, may involve difficult emotions and situations, there are no easy solutions. Good communication between partners is crucial.
mid life crisise crisis, 40-year crisis - when the children reach puberty age
It may be an interaction between the children's adolescent crisis and the adults' 40-year crisis, that is when we are between 35 and 50 years. It is around 40-years old, the mother often throws himself into new projects and training, and where the father is flattered when strange men told him that he's nice and he might therefore throw themselves into love and infidelity. Mom is hard and say no. Dad is touchy and sensitive, and the kids are in the middle of puberty. It is therefore not surprising that there are problems at home. It is also at this age, many begin to look back on what you have achieved. Some begin a videreddannelse, others throw themselves into association work, while others jump out of an infatuation which the environment can be completely incomprehensible. This may have marriage on shaky ground, but it can also mean a renewal if it is love, re loved and thereby discovers that he or she is worth loving. It can give strength and inspiration for revaluation and contribute to a revival of the moribund marriage, if it proves durable enough to withstand such pressures.
Puberty can be a slow and steady change, but usually, there is a violent and painful process in which the young are struggling to find himself and his identity and to determine what he or she believes and stands for. Adolescent period is a form of psychological crisis, and is considered one of the more severe development crisis. There unfolds embittered struggles between parents and children - often they go even beyond the school. The young people feel humiliated and trampled on, feel they are treated like small children without their own autonomy and without understanding from the adults. Parents wondering what the reason may be that he suddenly lose feeling and understanding for other people. What can not happen to him when he started to steal, smoke pot, drink too much and neglecting school. It's a small consolation that it will pass, but it actually makes it in most cases. But while parents are in the middle of it, they can even get into a crisis with insomnia and anxiety attacks, causing everything to go into gridlock - including marriage, so there must be sought outside help. Also, because mid life crisis hardly experienced similarly by men and women, such as those in women often coincides with meno pause and termination of the reproductive role.
The ripe crisis - when the kids have left home
When the children have left home are starting a new phase of life. It means What one in the relationship must find a way to be together in new ways. Middle-aged couples, who apparently are stable and well established, is not quite as happy and harmonious as they seem. There are circumstances where both parties are aware that they do not really fit together, and that there is always the possibility of conflict. They live in a sort of armed neutrality with tensions, which are mostly being held in check. The relationship is devoid of life and vitality. In marriage there is no serious conflict, but it hangs together with the fact that parties are not important enough for each other. Their marriage relationship is characterized by indifference. In certain areas they may feel a satisfactory parts together, for example in relation to their adult children or grandchildren. Marriage is maintained because of habit and lack of reflection, or because marriage is an economic and social security. It is preferable to the uncertainty, one can get into if you walk away.
For other couples, cohabitation is satisfactory, but nothing more. There are very few conflicts, but also a few common interests and activities. The couple is passive in respect of each other without sparkling life between them. There is little to suggest that they are indispensable to each other or particularly like each other. They have it really very well, cuddles with their own and leave each other alone, basically. Other couples again knows how to share important experiences in life with each other in an intense and exciting way. It can be sexuality, communal work, creative activity or major hobbies. The parties share the feelings and experience their relationship as life giving and meaningful. And then there are the ideal marriages where the spouses with enthusiasm and reciprocity really share all aspects of life. They respect each other's character and get the most out of the relationship, and get each other to flourish and grow. It is of course far from all mature marriages are bad. It is common enough that there is both good and bad periods, and that dissatisfaction is not permanent. But it is probably the least mature couples, who can live up to the myth of eternal happiness and harmony.
But why stay together, if you really feel it is unsuccessful? There is no reason to stay together for the children's sake, it can support and take care of separately. There is no reason to unity, from a societal point of view. But when many still stay together, it must be an indication that security needs are so important that it outweighs the dissatisfaction. Specifically, men in this age realize that it will be difficult for them to live alone, so they prefer to pay the price it is to live in a bad marriage. An important factor and cohesiveness in mature marriages have contact with children, family and friends built up through a long life together, where the mature grandparents, couples often act as focal point in the network and therefore can better compensate for in other respects vitamin poor relationships.
Adultery causes great sadness and hits children hard
When we feel bad in our marriage, we let ourselves be tempted to love and thus adultery. The hope is suppose to achieve some form of freedom. But usually it goes the other way around. Infidelity joins us on the arms and legs with all the lies that come with a udenoms conditions. Onetime affairs: Adultery happens very often when one gets too much to drink, but so it is no less dangerous for a relationship continuity. If it is a disposable adventure, there's no reason to go home and confess and thus lubricate his bad conscience of a spouse. There are too risky and valuable families disintegrate because of it. Keep quiet and hope that no gossiping. But adults need to think about and next time when a similar situation occurs, stay on the mat and do not drink more than that the control can be maintained. You take no damage to discipline themselves a bit, especially when you know that your partner is deeply hurt and that there is a danger of dissolution of marriage. Prolonged adultery: Conversely, bad companionship not to tell his partner about long-term infidelity. Åbenhjertigheden may indeed lead to divorce, but it can also mean that the old "cobweb" in marriage swept down and provides the basis for a new and fresher conditions where bad habits and dull routine turned upside down. Although a couple have agreed that it is okay with sexual digression, it turns very often that the only one who agrees when "the Agreement" is practiced, which is guaranteed to make love to crack and there are wounds that was difficult being healed again. Infidelity affects children badly: When parents get divorced because one of the parties has been unfaithful, crack world of children. They often feel pressured to accept the parent's new partner, and their grief over their parents' fracture is often not taken seriously. Although divorce has become more common makes it just hurt those it hits.
The difference between men and women
We live on the same planet and we can not do without each other. We are different but complement each other while in many ways. Men bring their distinct needs, wants or skills against others. This means that competition is an important aspect of male behavior in the form of fighting, fights, disputes, controversies and quarrels. Ritual combat is a common trait in men, and it is reflected in the robust play and sport. Many women perceive the conflict as a threat to the cohesion and tries to avoid conflict at almost any price. The disagreement be resolved any time without direct confrontation, perhaps through manipulation or intrigeren. At the same time, women are far better to meet their own needs than men and where men are fighting to be strong, fighting women of confidence and integrity. These differences obviously rubs off on the communication pattern.
Many women do not think their men tell them anything. He is silent at home. While he is both charming and exuberant fun when they are away from home, and he is with people other than his family. On the one hand, women must be more careful to put words to their wishes, and on the other hand, men try to listen to what is being said. Many women behave as if their head was a glass house where their husband can immediately see what they think. He can not. He's not a mind reader. When you know each other well, people think that you know what the other thinks. It is a mistake, both parties commit. But just as children change and develop, modify and develop adults as well. Instead of saying straight out how they want their partner to do, most people think that it should partner when told. But it makes the other not. Why is it so? The reason is undoubtedly the way men and women are brought up. We can change that by developing the way we listen to, so we understand the message. Also what is not said with words, but through body language and action.
Most people experience at some point crises in their relationships. Some find themselves solutions or get help from their network. But sometimes things are running in circles to a degree where it seems impossible to get out of negative patterns by themselves. Here, couples therapy be an option. The therapy is the therapist's task to create a space where the parties listen to each other's feelings and thoughts and the needs that lie behind any conflicts. The couple can move forward by getting spotted their perverse designs, and the therapist can, in some cases provide concrete tools for example for better communication. It is the couple themselves who must create the results. The therapist can mediate the process, but the hard work in between visits to the therapist. If both parties are motivated, couples therapy is usually preferable for individual therapy, because you can work directly with the relationship in therapy. Individual therapy may be an option, especially if one party feels inferior to the partner and therefore need only to put words in his situation and his feelings, or if the partner does not want to participate.